Karaoke Did Me In

I’m breaking the fling rule. I may be developing feelings for him.

Let me explain. 

I have a small crush on him. I think I am just intrigued and find him hilarious. We are able to make fun of each other which is great.

What did me in. karaoke.

We sang a few songs together and anyone who is willing to embarrass themselves with me is a winner. I had fun. That fun ended up with me heading back to his place. 

But this can’t and won’t go anywhere which is why I’m not afraid or worried about getting hurt. 

I am tired of relationships. I have been in two serious relationships–one right after another–and I am just not ready for anything even semi serious or official.

I’m having fun. I am dating, I am flirting, and I am trying new things, like karaoke. 

KC is one of those new things.

KC isn’t my usual type. 

He isn’t an intellectual. He isn’t clean cut. He is not politically correct. 

He sometimes where gym shorts to the bar. I have seen him in jeans once. In his defense, he usually meets up with us right after work. He is a life guard. 

But he makes me laugh. Alot.

He is not a smooth talker and is not a romantic. 

He is my first “bad boy”.

He doesn’t compliment my amazing personality, my gorgeous smile, my beautiful hair, or my great taste in shoes. 

He doesn’t ask questions in order to get to know me. To be fair, I don’t ask him questions either. 

I don’t really know anything about him. 

I know that he is a life guard.
I know his name.
I know the name he goes by is his middle name.
I do not know his last name.
I don’t know how old he is. 
I know where he’s from.
I don’t know if he went to college.
I don’t know how he ended up here.
Oh, and I know that he has had some sort of fling (although not the kind we’re having) with my roommate.

I do not see this developing into anything more than the occasional hook-up. I am okay with meeting up at a bar and just running with it.

Meet KC

This fling started about three weeks ago. 

BK invited me along to his friends house. They were going to have a few drinks and play a few games. I went. I didn’t have anything else to do that night.

I didn’t dress up since I didn’t think anything would happen that night. I wore my torn jeans and yellow t-shirt. Woo tells me that sometimes that is really sexy. Well I guess this night was one of those times.

We played several games, including drinking games and I was losing…really bad. I was new to all of those games. I’m used to drinking at bars not at someone’s house. The change of scenery was nice and was nicer on my budget.

It didn’t take too long before I was drunk.

I was sitting in a chair, I had two beers in my hand and a cup on the chair next to me. Somehow I spilled water all over the chair which ended up getting my butt and jeans wet. That was embarrassing. As soon as I started screaming, they laughed and ran to find towels. 

There I was drunk and with wet pants. Perfect.

After we were finished playing games (and were completely drunk–at least I was) KC was sitting in the chair and asked me to come in to the room. 

He was sitting on the chair and interrogating me as to why it was wet. Eventually our small fight ended with me sitting on his lap.

I knew what he was trying to do…

We ended up kissing there on the chair. 

That was the start of it. But you only get to know about the kiss. But no, we didn’t seal the deal. Drunk sex with a stranger is just not my thing.

However, last night was the second part of our fling. This time was different. He is a great kisser and is very considerate. He is definitely a giver and wanted to make sure I was comfortable and happy.

It was hot and it was great.

Flings ‘n Things

 

“I’m all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke.”

its been seven months (but who’s counting really).

For each month there has been a new guy. Nothing serious I’m not ready to go there. 

What is the deal with all these guys? Why do I need/want their attention?

Why? I know exactly why.

It feels nice. 

He rejected me and now I am proving to myself that I am still wanted. I am still interesting, attractive, and worth chasing. 

There has been The Friend, the Friend’s friend, a co-worker, my library BF, the Professor, Captain, Drama Kid, KC, and that might be it…

Some of them have been small crushes, others “one night stands”, friendly flirtations, or whatchamacallits. Nevertheless, they have all been fun and flattering. I have yet, to really invest any real feelings into any of them. 

There is one that I hope does develop-that is my library boyfriend. There is still a lot to learn from this guy but hopefully this will happen soon. I did run into him today (it was fate really) and he said hello. But that is still as far as our conversations have gone. Eventually our smiles and stares from across the room will turn into something else but until then I will just image that he is perfect. 

Anyway, back to the purpose of this post.

I realized why I had this list of guys and why they were important to me. They make me feel good about myself. That bit of confidence that he may have taken away by deciding I wasn’t good enough or worth it is slowly being built up again.

I don’t need to hear that I do not need guys to make me feel good about myself blahdiblah blah. I know that and I realize that at the same time, I kind of disagree with that.

Its not wrong for me to want to have guys hit on me. Its not wrong for me to want them to think I’m pretty. 

Its not even that I have low self esteem. I do think I’m worth it, I do think I’m attractive, I do believe I’m smart and capable of accomplishing what I set my mind to. 

But with this weight gain, hormone being out of whack, and my complexion issues, I may have needed a little reminder every now and then.

I’ll admit that when these guys do come into my life I look at myself and say “I still got it.” I laugh at myself after I say that but it helps. 

He may be in a relationship and she may be the one. I’m okay with that. I really am. He is not what I wanted and definitely not what I needed. Hopefully he is what she needs.

I might still hate him or I might not. Sometimes I wish he would come back into my life just so I can kick him out and tell him I never want to hear from him again. Other times its to brag about myself and how amazing I am. Mostly, I hope I never have to do either of those things.

I’m happy with the way things are now. I am almost finished with grad apps and I will be going on my New England/Inaugural Adventure soon! 

Yeah, I’m still a rock star!

Sinatra Was Right

It was a very good year.

I think of my life as vintage wine from fine old kegs 
From the brim to the dregs, and it poured sweet and clear 
It was a very good year 

I started 2008 (last year) with my boyfriend at the time. I had spent four hours cookind a dinner and another hour making desserts for him to take two bites and decide he wasn’t hungry. To be fair he did just made a 10 hr drive to spend new years with me, so I guess I shouldn’t be too bitter.

I was accepted by a top school (U-Wisconsin-Madison) only to turn them down. 

I was unhappy at Pacific my Junior year only to have one of the best years as a senior. 

I went from in a relationship with a guy who I convinced myself I could marry to being single and not really knowing if I want to be married. Or if I am more interested in a ring, flowers, and custom made dress.

I am single for the first time in a while and I am irritated, flattered, frustrated, and confused about the guys that do hit on me. 

I had a terrible first half of the year, but the second half was amazing. 

What I’ve learned:

• I still don’t know when to call it a quits but I’m slowly learning
• When something doesn’t feel right, it most likely isn’t right.
• Being with someone because you “need” to be with them is not the same as “wanting” to be with someone.
• I can do things on my own without a boyfriend. I have enough other people to take care of me (i.e. carry heavy suitcases, open jars, put chains on my car, etc.)
• I have some of the best friends in the world
• I need to get out of my comfort zone. That includes my little Oregon world. East Coast here I come! Next step, going abroad…eek!
• I have high expectations of everything and everyone. I’m working on not being so disappointed when things do not turn out as expected.

Things that Changed:

• My relationship status
• My post-undergrad plans
• My career plans
• The size of my family or at least there will be one more member soon!
• My circle of friends 
• I no longer  ”need” to have a boyfriend and currently I can’t stand the thought of being in a relationship. It just seems like more of a hassle than its worth. 
• My attitude towards Pacific. I once again enjoy being here.
• I’m back to focusing on me and not someone else.
• I enjoy going to the library 
• My coffee shop order

Things that Stayed the Same:

• My horrible sleeping habits. They may even be worse. Still going to bed at 3 or 4 waking up at 9 but now I go through the day without any naps.
• My caffeine addiction
• I love my friends and family more than anything else
• I still have a optimistic, naive, and high expectations of the world and humankind.
• I won’t settle for less
• I have big dreams
• I cry when I think about children not having all the dreams, fun, love, or joy that a child deserves.
• I still prefer working on my own
• Office supplies are the best thing in the world
• My big hair

Hello Captain

“Captain” and I have been spending quite a bit of time together. I have been trapped here for a week and a half longer than I needed to be. It hasn’t been too bad. I’ve been spending time with friends and the downtime has been great.

Anyway, so Captain–

Like I said we have been spending a lot of time together. I see him everyday and I might have spent the same amount of nights at his house than I have at my apartment. Being home alone during the holidays seems depressing so I try to either spend time with him or someone else.

Two nights ago, we walked to the grocery store because I needed more food since I was staying for four more days. Damn you snow! He walked over to my apartment and then we made our way through 16 inches of snow to the store. I could have driven except my car is buried. At the store, I bought a variety of soup from the deli–which I am very excited to eat. He bought alcohol. He likes his alcohol (not an alcoholic-might I add) but that is why I chose the name captain, as in Captain Morgan.

We walked back to his placed to defrost and watch a movie. One movie led to two. A few drinks later and we started watching shows on his computer. After “winning”  two chugging contest (I may have had a head start) we took a shot of rum and yes it was Captain Morgan spiced rum.   

So now the real purpose of this post. Captain and I kissed. not just once and not just a peck. This was a real kiss and long one at that. It was almost like the way The Friend and I kissed but not quite. (FYI- The Friend is who i plan on kissing for New Years.)

Back Captain– After our kiss I felt weird. I was worried he would then think we were going to date or be official. I can’t do that. So maybe I shouldn’t be kissing boys. Oh well.

It was too late. I had spend the night with Captain and this time in his bed and not downstairs. It was nice. I really do miss having someone on the other side of the bed. I like fitting into his nook and having his arm around me. Those are things I miss and yet I’m not ready to commit to any guy just yet. I’m not ready to make myself that vulnerable again but I will eventually–I have no doubt about that.

So after our drunken night kiss we had a sober morning kiss. Yeah, I don’t learn things very quickly. So again I was worried. All I wanted was someone to cuddle with during a movie and to do things for me. haha just kidding on the latter part (but maybe only a little). 

He ended up walking me back to my apartment and when we got back he sat at the counter and was sitting in the “we need to talk” position.

“great…” thats what I was thinking. But I was prepared. I was ready to tell him I didn’t want a relationship and I sorry I led him on. blah blah blah I also would have been comfortable without the talk and just leaving it as we kissed, okay whatever.

And then…

C- “About last night…”

Me-”yes…?”

C- “I feel weird about that”

Me-”Ok..”

C- ” I feel bad for “Clinger” because him and I are still friends.” blah blah, betrayal, something or other, blah blah blah  ”so that should not happen again”

Me- smiling, because I have nothing to say to that. but what I was thinking was “really? him? thats what this talk is about?” I wasn’t hurt, I’m not emotionally investing myself in guys these day, except maybe my library boyfriend.

C- “Is that a forced smile?”

Me- “No, its not. I understand” that was a lie. I don’t. I really  don’t get it, but asking why would have made him think I was hurt or wanted a different result. So i settled for that. When I was developing a crush of Captain I wondered about the Ex and thought Captain wouldn’t break that “mancode” so my crush was safe. Then we kissed, and now here we were. But hearing him say was a surprise. 

But seriously? I’m still scratching my head at that one. It was not what I was expecting. 

All I could do was smile and say okay. I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t and I can’t bring it back up or else he might think I am interested in our kiss becoming something more. But really? Its been over a year, he is dating my (former) best friend at Pacific. So really? WTF? 

I’m okay where him and I are. We’re friends and he is a good guy so I’m glad we are friends. I just think its ridiculous. 

Ridiculous that Captain gave me that excuse (even if its true, knowing Clinger it probably is true) ridiculous because Clinger is a big baby. Get over it. 

My kiss(es) may have stolen the fun part away from my crush. So what have we learned here? Don’t let a guy walk you home.

What is this?

That feeling is back. 

Ugh. Why? I was doing great. I was feeling good and comfortable being just one. 

And then out of no where there he is. But this time its a new he. But not so new. 

“He” needs a name….Captain.

So Captain really isn’t that new. He’s been around and every time he is around I develop some sort of crush on him. Two years ago it happened, except I was in a relationship that should have never happened. 

Now here we are. My emotional baggage I can’t let go of and guilt-fully feel empty without it. I might be using that baggage as a way to stay away from any potential relationships. Having that baggage is like a shield. All of my friends now what happened, or the short version of it, and so they “understand” why I wouldn’t want to go through that again.

Captain is a friend. What am i afraid of. The last two guys I dated are gone. We do not speak anymore. Those bridges are officially burned. I don’t want that again. So what do I do? I keep him as a friend.

It can’t go anywhere anyway. In a few months we will both graduate. We will go our separate ways and that would be it.

I know I keep saying I do not want a relationship. That is true. I do not, I can’t, not yet. But then why am I so concerned about the fact that it won’t go anywhere. Why do I think about that?

Well, because its how my brain works. I do not just live for the moment. I plan things. I like to picture things in my head. I create several different paths things can go and of course I have my preference. Any way I like to imagine the way things could be and I don’t want something where I can only imagine things for a few months. 

Nonetheless, this crush is fun. I think crushes are fun and exciting. They leave you smiling for no reason other than thinking about them. It makes you set your alarm clock ridiculously early after spending a late night with him only to go home and stay up thinking about him. Right now I am looking at 4 hours of sleep. Oh well. 

I love this feeling. I am enjoying the nervousness, the awkwardness, the fluttering feeling, and just the overwhelmingly happy feeling I have when I’m around him.

I am not concerned whether he feels the same way or not. I am not hoping he likes me too or anything of that sort. I am just excited that I have this feeling. Its reassuring and refreshing.

Being dumped (via email) sucked. It really did make me feel worthless and unwanted. But these past couple of months have done wonders to erase those feelings. I have been asked out on a dates, I’m flirting with a very cute graduate student in the library and he is being very receptive, there’s Brandon, and I’ve held Captain’s hand. The hugging, the hand holding, and him putting his arm around me so I wouldn’t fall on my ass when I was walking on the snow were just so comforting.

I went home laid and bed and thought. “wow, he was really holding me!” Not in the sense that he wanted me but he genuinely cares about me. And that can be just as a friend, but even that is a wonderful feeling. The way he held my hand was cute and sweet. Its what I needed. 

There are two other guys but those aren’t really worth talking about. One of them is really smothering and the other one I think is just lonely.

Time is doing its part in repairing my heart. It wasn’t easy or pretty but the point is I made it. Now here I am and its about time.

I’ll leave you with the song I’m currently listening to. 

It’s about hoping
It’s about dreaming
It’s about never not believing
It’s about taking a walk on the wire and never looking down
It’s about living instead of dying
It’s about spreading your wings and flying
Yeah,yeah,yeah,it’s all about tryin’

(Un)Officially Yours

Oh how I wish  I could have you.

 I miss you.

The way you look at me, that look in your eyes I know its real. 

I wish our lives didn’t leave us so far apart. I wish we could be together.

It won’t happen. 

You have your life and I have mine. We are far apart and time will only make us farther apart.

You are always full of surprises. Once I think I have you all figured out you tell me something that only makes me love you more. 

Something about you makes all my worries go away.

The way you hold me, the way you protect me, the way you stare into my eyes, you make everything else disappear.

I love our long conversations. I love the way your hands feel in mine. Your smell, your kiss, oh baby you have me hooked.

I miss the days where you were here. When you were by my side. When I could see you everyday. 

I miss staying up late and spending the night with you. I miss waking up and starting my day off with breakfast and you. 

When you smile and wink at me, I melt. You hold my heart, always have. Every now and then I think I have moved on and yet those feelings remain. 

You make me feel good about myself. You make me feel special. You make sure I know I’m special. 

You hold my hand when I need you to and you give me that extra shove when I need it. You make sure I never feel that I can’t do it. You convince me I can do it, this, and everything. You will never let me settle. You let me know how impressed you are with my strength, courage, and motivation. 

I am impressed by your dreams and goals. I love the things you have planned and the goals you have set. I appreciate your value and love for your family. You are the sweetest, sexiest, smartest man I have ever been with. 

I doubt we will ever be together. Its just not meant to be. I can accept that. Where our lives are heading are two different directions. Although its a shame that it has to be that way. I am blessed to have known you all these years. To watch you become the man you are today.

I will enjoy every minute I have had with you, every minute I have known you. I know there will come a time where I will have to let you go completely but until then you will be unofficially mine and I will be yours.

In Hiding

For a while I tried to imagine when he would come back into the picture. How would that look like? How would I keep all my secrets from him and prevent him from ever finding out?

I pictured it as us meeting at some restaurant for lunch, far from my house from my “family.” There would be rules. He would not be able to ask or talk about certain things. He would be restricted to asking me about school or work, nothing personal. It wouldn’t matter when or how this interaction happened. Whether it happened soon or far down the road. Those rules would always apply. He will not be a friend. He will not be a part of my new life. 

I am still very paranoid about running into him. Sometimes I swear I see him but of course it never is. I’m afraid that he’ll see me in Chicago or find out I’m there. I fear that he’ll catch me off guard that I won’t be prepared. That my months of planning of ways to keep him away would all be ruined by a surprise visit.

Now I’m slowing getting to the point where he won’t ever return. I will never run into him (although there still is that fear). Eventually he won’t have means of contacting me. He won’t know where I’m living, he won’t know my address, phone number, and eventually my email address. I can’t wait for that freedom.

I really don’t think he’ll contact me. He would only do that under one circumstance…

I do not think he is thinking about me or thinking about contacting me. Which is the way  I want it. I want him to stay away.

I’m finally back to normal. I’m actually better than ever. I am surrounded by people who love me. 

I have friends who have stuck by my side–who didn’t and are not judging me. 

I can’t believe how much I relied on you. I can’t believe how much you failed.

You wanted out. You got it. Now please, please just stay gone. There will never be room for you. That place, that role has been filled. You are not needed, you are not wanted. 

You may disagree. You may not care about what I want, what I need but guess what? I don’t care.

I don’t care how you feel or what you think. I used to. But the way you reacted, the way you treated me, it was those things that made me realize you were not worth having around. I thought I wanted you around. That’s what supposed to happen. Not for me, but because it was the “right” thing to do. 

Fuck that. Fuck you.  

When I told you I didn’t want to see you after all, after me begging you to meet and talk to me. When I told you never-mind and you asked me if I was sure, I said yes. “I may regret it in a few months but for now I’m sure.” You asked why in a few months…I knew what you were really asking….Anyway, its been a few months and I don’t regret it. In a few more I still won’t. It was for the best.  

So yeah, I don’t like you. I had gotten to the point where I was neutral. Where I had forgiven you. Where I actually wanted you to be happy. But the more I analyze how miserable you made me and how happy and strong I am now I realize I don’t need to have “good” feelings towards you. I don’t have to like you.

My life is not going to go according to plans. I changed my goals but they are better ones. I really am happy and I really am blessed. 

Its because of you I have received the biggest change and blessing in my life–for that I thank you.

It can’t go anywhere. I shouldn’t let it.

We kissed. Why do I put myself in those situations?

It started with some casual flirting. It was innocent. I’m a flirt. I’m okay with that. I was never really attracted to him. I just like the idea that he was attracted to me.

The flirting became more frequent and more serious. We had been friends before. Not great friends but friends nonetheless. We work together. He’s my coworker! I can’t go there…can I? I shouldn’t…….But I did.

He’s a rebound. Yes another. Can you have two rebounds for the same heartbreak? Well, I am.

I went over to Mike’s place for some drinks. I told Mr. Network (yep thats right, him) that I would visit him afterwards. Really I just wanted affection. There is nothing wrong with that. I’m not going to sleep with him.

I was lonely. I used him. I should feel bad. But I just don’t think he really thinks it will go anywhere and so its okay. Right? It is okay? I’m going to tell myself it is.

I’m still talking to him. We are still flirting. I don’t know what happens next. I know I don’t want anything more to happen. We can still hang out. We can cuddle, he can hold me close, kissing?? okay, sex…no. So that’s where I am.

Dating Potential

I received an email today. I don’t know if I’ll respond. But knowing someone was interested was nice.

I’ll be honest. The idea of going out on a date sounds really nice. I’ve never gone out on a date with someone I didn’t know. But this is someone I don’t know and its really exciting.

I will respond. I deserve that. I want to go out and have some fun. My life has been too serious, too stressful, and just too much work. I need to cut loose. I don’t cut loose.

Lately, I’ve been spending a lot more time with friends which has been great for my social life. There has even been some flirting with a friend I haven’t talked to for a while. I went over to his house on Saturday, we had dinner on Sunday and he actually just left my apartment. Him and I are just friends. I wouldn’t date him.

There is also my British crush. He is absolutely adorable. He has a full beard and mustache, which I never thought I would be into but he pulls it off rather well. He is very handsome. We haven’t interacted very much but I’m working on that. We’ve had lunch together a couple of times (not alone). This doesn’t have to go any where. I just love looking at him and listening to his beautiful accent.

Then there’s Mr. Network. Nothing is going on between us. Well, only some flirting. Occasionally he’ll make comments that make me uncomfortable but for the most part he’s harmless.

Honestly I am not looking for a relationship right now. I will only be here for a few more months and I’m not in a place in my life where that would be a wise choice. That doesn’t mean I do not want someone to cuddle up next to every now and then. That’s what I’m looking for.