“I’m all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke.”

its been seven months (but who’s counting really).

For each month there has been a new guy. Nothing serious I’m not ready to go there. 

What is the deal with all these guys? Why do I need/want their attention?

Why? I know exactly why.

It feels nice. 

He rejected me and now I am proving to myself that I am still wanted. I am still interesting, attractive, and worth chasing. 

There has been The Friend, the Friend’s friend, a co-worker, my library BF, the Professor, Captain, Drama Kid, KC, and that might be it…

Some of them have been small crushes, others “one night stands”, friendly flirtations, or whatchamacallits. Nevertheless, they have all been fun and flattering. I have yet, to really invest any real feelings into any of them. 

There is one that I hope does develop-that is my library boyfriend. There is still a lot to learn from this guy but hopefully this will happen soon. I did run into him today (it was fate really) and he said hello. But that is still as far as our conversations have gone. Eventually our smiles and stares from across the room will turn into something else but until then I will just image that he is perfect. 

Anyway, back to the purpose of this post.

I realized why I had this list of guys and why they were important to me. They make me feel good about myself. That bit of confidence that he may have taken away by deciding I wasn’t good enough or worth it is slowly being built up again.

I don’t need to hear that I do not need guys to make me feel good about myself blahdiblah blah. I know that and I realize that at the same time, I kind of disagree with that.

Its not wrong for me to want to have guys hit on me. Its not wrong for me to want them to think I’m pretty. 

Its not even that I have low self esteem. I do think I’m worth it, I do think I’m attractive, I do believe I’m smart and capable of accomplishing what I set my mind to. 

But with this weight gain, hormone being out of whack, and my complexion issues, I may have needed a little reminder every now and then.

I’ll admit that when these guys do come into my life I look at myself and say “I still got it.” I laugh at myself after I say that but it helps. 

He may be in a relationship and she may be the one. I’m okay with that. I really am. He is not what I wanted and definitely not what I needed. Hopefully he is what she needs.

I might still hate him or I might not. Sometimes I wish he would come back into my life just so I can kick him out and tell him I never want to hear from him again. Other times its to brag about myself and how amazing I am. Mostly, I hope I never have to do either of those things.

I’m happy with the way things are now. I am almost finished with grad apps and I will be going on my New England/Inaugural Adventure soon! 

Yeah, I’m still a rock star!